Once upon a time, I said I would never leave him. We were twined together for all eternity and I couldn't imagine my life without him. My entire family loved him, worshiped him. We were going to change the world together.
There was one problem. He didn't exist.
When I realized that christianity could not be true, my world broke apart. I am the oldest of four and we were all homeschooled, raised to be warriors for Jesus in a damned world. For thirty years, I walked my talk. I evangelized, I led worship, I studied, I prayed constantly.
And it wasn't real.
What do you do when you discover you've based your life on a lie? How do you cope when everyone you know (because your parents made sure you only had "edifying" friendships when you were younger and those habits are hard to break) thinks you are lost when you have finally found your way?
You throw a fucking dance party, that's what you do. You cry really hard and then you move on and then you cry really hard again. You let that pain hit you full force because you are finally living, goddamit, and nobody can take that from you.
You swear a lot because you couldn't before without feeling guilty. Dear nonexistent gods, doesn't "fuck" just sound delicious?
And you read! You can read whatever you want now. You are no longer limited to that non-inspiring inspirational fiction with its nasty fake sheen. No paint-by-number life stories with perfect "come to Jesus" moments for you anymore. No overly simplistic life lessons. You can read erotica! and all of the edgy, morally ambiguous literature you've avoided for so long!
Oh the music. Can't forget the music. No more groveling songs about how wretched you are (unless you're feeling into that sort of thing). No more avoiding certain stations because they play songs with swears. You can listen to whatever the fuck you want. Whatever-the-fuck.
That low-cut blouse you bought a while back but have felt too guilty to wear? Put that baby on. No, do not put a camisole under it so that you don't cause your "brothers" to stumble. They can control their own goddamn eyes and thoughts. Get yourself a great bra and hold your head high. You're a woman and, oh! you don't have to submit anymore!
Yeah, there was always that part of you that knew the whole patriarchy thing was a load of bullshit. But you trusted and obeyed anyway. Enough of that. You might be late to the feminist party, but you can still join! Just don't burn that brand-new bra. It makes your tits look amazing.
After you've done all these things, you cry some more. You sleep too much. You try pot for the first time. You feel incredibly alone.
So you start this blog.
♡♡♡ YUP ♡♡♡
ReplyDelete