No More Wolves, Please.

I've gotten a lot of comfort from reading the stories of fellow homeschoolers. It's helped me to process some of the things that happened to me and it's let me know, for the first time, that I'm not alone in being deeply troubled by the teaching and tone of the movement. This has been good.

And now I'm not really sure what to think.

It bothers me to see people falling over themselves to thank Chris Jeub for talking to former homeschoolers as if this is some great sign of benevolence. I understand the desire to see leaders in this movement taking an interest in reform. I get it. I really do. What I do not understand at all is why people are making such a big deal out of what this man thinks.

Let's look at some of the things Jeub has said recently.

In his blog post "Hang In There" on August 14th, 2013 (less than four months ago), Jeub writes:

"You may already know of Wendy and my story on Love in the House. It involved our oldest daughter, Alicia, and her stint of rebellion at 19. It shook our world, and the story unfolded on TLC in 2007 for the world to see and judge. The result was Love in the House, our book that explained our reconciliation with Alicia and with God — a transformation that put love at the center of our home. It was awesome, a great story in the end."

Look at how he talks about his adult daughter. Apparently as an adult, she had a "stint of rebellion". Against who? Him? God? He kicked her out of the house. But it makes for a great story! And oh! you can buy his book on his website so you can read all about how god worked in him and his wife to act like basic human beings towards their daughter. Apparently that requires supernatural assistance.

Jeub also offers a rebuttal to Lauren Sandler's article for Time Magazine - "Childfree Life". First, he opens his post with this:

"I’m a bit offended. TIME didn’t call me for a rebuttal. I have 16 children — and I’m a debate coach to boot — and would have loved the opportunity to rebut Lauren Sandler’s article “The Childfree Life.”

Wow. Jeub's "status" as a parent of lots of kids definitely makes him an expert on living without children! And of course TIME Magazine should have known to call him up and get his opinion! I mean, he's OFFENDED!

He goes on to say things like this:

"Yes, I know, it’s judgmental of parents to think the childless life as a waste. But the judgment is not naive; it is a rational comparison between a previous, self-absorbed existence to a latter, oh-my-life-is-more-than-just-me existence. The parent writing a TIME article about the “joy” in childlessness is, well, stu- … naive. "

You're right, Jeub. My childless life is a waste. A waste. Wow, I just need to say it again- a waste. I guess somebody should have told Paul that he needed to start having kids! You don’t know me, but obviously I'm just self-absorbed and I'm about me, me, me all the time. But hey, at least I'm not offended when an international magazine isn't clamoring for my opinion.

Let’s continue, shall we?

On November 8th, 2013 Jeub wrote a post called “Pattern of the Fallen” in which he tries to explain why people really leave the faith. I mean, who gives a shit about why THEY say they leave. He has way more smarts because he leads a debate team! My god, aren’t we lucky that he bothered to speak about us atheists at all?

“I consider it tragic when people walk away from God. Sometimes they leave in a huff, sometimes they’ve intellectually wrestled, sometimes they dive into crazy sin and blow up their lives. Whatever the story, they are no longer walking with God, and that’s sad.

I’ve seen a pattern, though. This may give you hope. Wendy and I see this time and time again. Any separation between man and God can be attributed to a lack of love. Look around the life of the person who blows up his or her life: love is difficult to find. Love got lost in the shuffle somewhere long ago.”

Oh wow! So you’re telling me I became an atheist because I didn’t have enough love?! This is news to me. I really thought it was because I spent an agonized year of searching for evidence – ANY evidence that the faith I’d devoted my life to for thirty years was real and didn’t find a single thing that stood up to the most basic of logical tests. Jeub might be a debate coach, but I have a degree in religion and philosophy. I’ve spent years digging through textual criticism, archaeological records, apologetics, church history, the writings of the early church fathers, and on and on and on. I find Christianity to be logically bankrupt. THAT is why I left. Not because no one loved me. Not because I didn’t feel the presence of what I very much believed was god. I left because it isn’t true.

And now that I’ve been ostracized from my entire support system, have had to deal with sobbing parents insisting that I must be mentally ill, have been unfriended and blocked by longtime “friends” for politely stating my opinion, have received horribly insulting emails from family and friends (all of which happened after I left, mind you), I will be damned if I give two more seconds of airtime to this jackass who thinks that he knows the real reasons why I left.

I want to continue to support homeschoolers who are trying to recover from any and all abuse. But if giving these “leaders” a platform to continue to hold onto their positions of power which they’ve been abusing for decades is going to become a trend, I’m out. I’m so out. I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my life and fill my eyes and ears and heart with the words of people who have already proven that they are trustworthy. I want to hear from more homeschoolers and amplify THEIR voices.

This insistence that we need to talk to everybody who wants to say something, regardless of whether or not they’ve earned the platform is ridiculous. It reminds me of those Christians who whine to homosexuals that they need to tolerate their intolerance.

No. I do not need to make room for anyone’s harmful ideas. Not everyone deserves a stage. This “conversation” becomes ridiculous when anyone insists we include people with a history of promoting damaging ideas who has not done anything at all to “repent” of that. Offering to talk is not action.


That is all.

Saved and Naive, Fake, and "Right", These Christians are Precious in His Sight

It's been about nine months since I came out as an atheist to my friends and family. Since then, I've had some time to process the reactions I've received (and continue to get) and figure out why some of the seemingly innocent comments bother me so deeply. So I've come up with a list of the "types" I've dealt with. Some Christians even qualify for more than one category! 

“And IIIIIIeeeeeeeIIIIII Will Aaaaaalways Love YooouuuuOOOOuuuuOOOuuuuuoooo”

When you tell this Christian that you’re now an atheist, they will express their deep sadness over your “choices” but insist that they will always love you no matter what. You get the feeling that you’re receiving the same speech they delivered to their gay sibling who had the audacity to marry someone he or she actually loved. This Christian thinks that their non-accepting love is the best thing since the invention of the microwave and can’t understand why they come across as patronizing, condescending, superior assholes.

In addition, these are often the Christians who will suddenly start being nicer to you than they ever have before in order to “love you back to Jesus”. If you had any sort of genuine relationship with them before, you won’t now because everything they do and say will be coated with a sweet, sticky “love”.

“But I’m a nice Christian and I’ve been through hard things, so I totally get you.”

These Christians understand that the sort named above are obnoxious and they feel a deep need to set themselves apart as “people who understand you” even though they rarely do. But no really, they insist that their conversion to another denomination is, like, completely the same sort of thing. This is also the typeof Christian who thinks that the two weeks of doubt they experienced back in eighth grade make them an expert on leaving the faith and dealing with everything that comes with that. Look for tweets like, “I’m so glad that God allowed me to go through such a hard time with my faith so I can now understand my atheist friends.”

The “Seed Droppers”

These Christians feel like every conversation is an opportunity for them to plant the seeds of salvation in your heart without you noticing. They are about as subtle as a freight train full of fireworks crashing into your house and equally considerate. After all, your eternal safety is far more important than treating you like a human being with your own thoughts and feelings and goals. 

Do you know someone who has died lately? Listen for gems like, “Well, we never know when our time is going to come,” followed by a meaningful pause so that their wisdom will sink into the infertile soil that is your heart.

The Machine Gun Apologists

These folks have an entire arsenal of bad arguments to fire at you, but lack the intellectual honesty to STOP USING THEM when shown that they are erroneous. Did you just shoot down one argument? That’s fine, because they’ve got more where that came from and they’ll just keep pulling them out one by one. Because, ya know, the end justifies the means and if they can get you back to Jesus then resorting to what is essentially lying is totes worth it.

When backed into a corner, they will pull out their best defense – Pascal’s Wager! Because if illogical arguments won’t work, maybe the fear of eternal torture at the hands of a psychopathic bully will make you want to love their god. 

Okay. Sure.

The Armchair Psychologists

“But let’s talk about the real reasons you left the faith.” These folks are like geriatric drug-sniffing dogs in that they can find hidden emotional pain and anger towards god EVERYWHERE. Even if it’s not there. What’s more, they can’t imagine that you might not want to talk to them about it…if “it” existed.

What’s even more frustrating is that you can’t ever have a real discussion with them about things that actually did hurt you before you left because they’re always ready to pounce and yell, “I KNEW IT WAS THERE! I FOUND IT! YOU WERE JUST MAD AT GOD ALL ALONG!” 

This sort is usually of the Calvinist persuasion since they can't wrap their heads around the idea of someone being a real Christian and then leaving because it's just not true.

The Genuinely Cool Human Beings

This Christian friend will listen to your story about leaving their faith and actually give a shit about you. They might not agree with you, but they have a genuine interest in listening to your reasons and respect you enough to consider that you might actually be right. After arguing it out, they’ll probably offer to buy you a beer. Things will go on pretty much as they had before since your friendship is based on things that are real and exist, like mutual respect and common interests and affection.

These are the Christians who recognize that separation of church and state is a good and healthy thing. If you were ever persecuted for your atheism, they’d be all over that instead of seeing it as confirmation from god that you’re destined for hell. They're worth keeping around, because they're fantastic people and true friends.

Have any more to add? I'd love to hear about them in the comments.

No, my name isn't Maud.

This is not my real name. Why? Because I'm still sorting a lot of things out and I don't necessarily want my family to read these things yet.

When I told them that I no longer believed in god, my mom was convinced that I must be depressed out of my mind. This reaction completely shocked me because I had gone out of my way to list my reasons for no longer believing. I thought that they would be upset, that they would want to argue.

I never anticipated my family assuming that I was mentally ill. They staged an intervention and kept digging, digging, digging for the "real" reason. That was when I realized that, to them, no reason would ever be sufficient. According to their theology, atheists don't really exist. They think they know everyone else's thoughts and feelings better than the owners of those thoughts and feelings themselves.

When I realized that they weren't listening, the lights started coming on in my head. They have never been listening. They've always been sorting everything through their filter. Praying for "hearts to be changed" when people didn't conform to their idea of a good christian life while imagining themselves to be incredibly humble, caring people.

I always knew something wasn't right. Now I have a term for it: emotional abuse.

What is emotional abuse? In short, it's the demeaning of another person's feelings and experience. It's the manipulation of someone else's emotions to fit a mold that another person has decided is most appropriate. It happens when someone tells you how you're supposed to feel and who you're supposed to be. It is not the same as teaching a child the proper way to treat other people. You can read more about it here.

This is my mother in a nutshell. I'm thirty-two-years-old and I'm still afraid of her disapproval. I still hear her in my head every time I make a decision.

You don't want to wear that today, do you?
Don't you want to put some makeup on?
You don't really feel that upset about that.
You know I would never do anything to hurt you, right?
Fine. Just do what you want. No one cares about my feelings.

I am finally breaking free from their manipulation and control. One of the ways I am doing that is by finding my voice through this blog. I'm hoping to eventually attach my real name to this, but in the meantime I need the freedom to say things and not be afraid.

So I Left

Once upon a time, I said I would never leave him. We were twined together for all eternity and I couldn't imagine my life without him. My entire family loved him, worshiped him. We were going to change the world together.

There was one problem. He didn't exist.

When I realized that christianity could not be true, my world broke apart. I am the oldest of four and we were all homeschooled, raised to be warriors for Jesus in a damned world. For thirty years, I walked my talk. I evangelized, I led worship, I studied, I prayed constantly.

And it wasn't real.

What do you do when you discover you've based your life on a lie? How do you cope when everyone you know (because your parents made sure you only had "edifying" friendships when you were younger and those habits are hard to break) thinks you are lost when you have finally found your way?

You throw a fucking dance party, that's what you do. You cry really hard and then you move on and then you cry really hard again. You let that pain hit you full force because you are finally living, goddamit, and nobody can take that from you.

You swear a lot because you couldn't before without feeling guilty. Dear nonexistent gods, doesn't "fuck" just sound delicious?

And you read! You can read whatever you want now. You are no longer limited to that non-inspiring inspirational fiction with its nasty fake sheen. No paint-by-number life stories with perfect "come to Jesus" moments for you anymore. No overly simplistic life lessons. You can read erotica! and all of the edgy, morally ambiguous literature you've avoided for so long!

Oh the music. Can't forget the music. No more groveling songs about how wretched you are (unless you're feeling into that sort of thing). No more avoiding certain stations because they play songs with swears. You can listen to whatever the fuck you want.  Whatever-the-fuck.

That low-cut blouse you bought a while back but have felt too guilty to wear? Put that baby on. No, do not put a camisole under it so that you don't cause your "brothers" to stumble. They can control their own goddamn eyes and thoughts. Get yourself a great bra and hold your head high. You're a woman and, oh! you don't have to submit anymore!

Yeah, there was always that part of you that knew the whole patriarchy thing was a load of bullshit. But you trusted and obeyed anyway. Enough of that. You might be late to the feminist party, but you can still join! Just don't burn that brand-new bra. It makes your tits look amazing.

After you've done all these things, you cry some more. You sleep too much. You try pot for the first time. You feel incredibly alone.

So you start this blog.