No, my name isn't Maud.

This is not my real name. Why? Because I'm still sorting a lot of things out and I don't necessarily want my family to read these things yet.

When I told them that I no longer believed in god, my mom was convinced that I must be depressed out of my mind. This reaction completely shocked me because I had gone out of my way to list my reasons for no longer believing. I thought that they would be upset, that they would want to argue.

I never anticipated my family assuming that I was mentally ill. They staged an intervention and kept digging, digging, digging for the "real" reason. That was when I realized that, to them, no reason would ever be sufficient. According to their theology, atheists don't really exist. They think they know everyone else's thoughts and feelings better than the owners of those thoughts and feelings themselves.

When I realized that they weren't listening, the lights started coming on in my head. They have never been listening. They've always been sorting everything through their filter. Praying for "hearts to be changed" when people didn't conform to their idea of a good christian life while imagining themselves to be incredibly humble, caring people.

I always knew something wasn't right. Now I have a term for it: emotional abuse.

What is emotional abuse? In short, it's the demeaning of another person's feelings and experience. It's the manipulation of someone else's emotions to fit a mold that another person has decided is most appropriate. It happens when someone tells you how you're supposed to feel and who you're supposed to be. It is not the same as teaching a child the proper way to treat other people. You can read more about it here.

This is my mother in a nutshell. I'm thirty-two-years-old and I'm still afraid of her disapproval. I still hear her in my head every time I make a decision.

You don't want to wear that today, do you?
Don't you want to put some makeup on?
You don't really feel that upset about that.
You know I would never do anything to hurt you, right?
Fine. Just do what you want. No one cares about my feelings.

I am finally breaking free from their manipulation and control. One of the ways I am doing that is by finding my voice through this blog. I'm hoping to eventually attach my real name to this, but in the meantime I need the freedom to say things and not be afraid.