Saved and Naive, Fake, and "Right", These Christians are Precious in His Sight

It's been about nine months since I came out as an atheist to my friends and family. Since then, I've had some time to process the reactions I've received (and continue to get) and figure out why some of the seemingly innocent comments bother me so deeply. So I've come up with a list of the "types" I've dealt with. Some Christians even qualify for more than one category! 

“And IIIIIIeeeeeeeIIIIII Will Aaaaaalways Love YooouuuuOOOOuuuuOOOuuuuuoooo”

When you tell this Christian that you’re now an atheist, they will express their deep sadness over your “choices” but insist that they will always love you no matter what. You get the feeling that you’re receiving the same speech they delivered to their gay sibling who had the audacity to marry someone he or she actually loved. This Christian thinks that their non-accepting love is the best thing since the invention of the microwave and can’t understand why they come across as patronizing, condescending, superior assholes.

In addition, these are often the Christians who will suddenly start being nicer to you than they ever have before in order to “love you back to Jesus”. If you had any sort of genuine relationship with them before, you won’t now because everything they do and say will be coated with a sweet, sticky “love”.

“But I’m a nice Christian and I’ve been through hard things, so I totally get you.”

These Christians understand that the sort named above are obnoxious and they feel a deep need to set themselves apart as “people who understand you” even though they rarely do. But no really, they insist that their conversion to another denomination is, like, completely the same sort of thing. This is also the typeof Christian who thinks that the two weeks of doubt they experienced back in eighth grade make them an expert on leaving the faith and dealing with everything that comes with that. Look for tweets like, “I’m so glad that God allowed me to go through such a hard time with my faith so I can now understand my atheist friends.”

The “Seed Droppers”

These Christians feel like every conversation is an opportunity for them to plant the seeds of salvation in your heart without you noticing. They are about as subtle as a freight train full of fireworks crashing into your house and equally considerate. After all, your eternal safety is far more important than treating you like a human being with your own thoughts and feelings and goals. 

Do you know someone who has died lately? Listen for gems like, “Well, we never know when our time is going to come,” followed by a meaningful pause so that their wisdom will sink into the infertile soil that is your heart.

The Machine Gun Apologists

These folks have an entire arsenal of bad arguments to fire at you, but lack the intellectual honesty to STOP USING THEM when shown that they are erroneous. Did you just shoot down one argument? That’s fine, because they’ve got more where that came from and they’ll just keep pulling them out one by one. Because, ya know, the end justifies the means and if they can get you back to Jesus then resorting to what is essentially lying is totes worth it.

When backed into a corner, they will pull out their best defense – Pascal’s Wager! Because if illogical arguments won’t work, maybe the fear of eternal torture at the hands of a psychopathic bully will make you want to love their god. 

Okay. Sure.

The Armchair Psychologists

“But let’s talk about the real reasons you left the faith.” These folks are like geriatric drug-sniffing dogs in that they can find hidden emotional pain and anger towards god EVERYWHERE. Even if it’s not there. What’s more, they can’t imagine that you might not want to talk to them about it…if “it” existed.

What’s even more frustrating is that you can’t ever have a real discussion with them about things that actually did hurt you before you left because they’re always ready to pounce and yell, “I KNEW IT WAS THERE! I FOUND IT! YOU WERE JUST MAD AT GOD ALL ALONG!” 

This sort is usually of the Calvinist persuasion since they can't wrap their heads around the idea of someone being a real Christian and then leaving because it's just not true.

The Genuinely Cool Human Beings

This Christian friend will listen to your story about leaving their faith and actually give a shit about you. They might not agree with you, but they have a genuine interest in listening to your reasons and respect you enough to consider that you might actually be right. After arguing it out, they’ll probably offer to buy you a beer. Things will go on pretty much as they had before since your friendship is based on things that are real and exist, like mutual respect and common interests and affection.

These are the Christians who recognize that separation of church and state is a good and healthy thing. If you were ever persecuted for your atheism, they’d be all over that instead of seeing it as confirmation from god that you’re destined for hell. They're worth keeping around, because they're fantastic people and true friends.

Have any more to add? I'd love to hear about them in the comments.